Past Forward

I have been swamped with a wave of nostalgia of late.

It started, I guess, when I went back to my hometown to attend the wedding of a childhood friend.

As his Best Man, I gave a speech during reception; on how our friendship went back a long way; on how things were when we were young.

I realized that what seemed like yesterday now reside in the distant and irretrievable past…

Those afternoon treks to the nearby hills, those evenings lazing in our tree house, those jamming sessions with the Eheads blaring on our weather-beaten cassette..

It was easy for me to recall those memories because they have such a huge impact on our barkada.

But browsing though my diaries last weekend, I realized there were so many stuff from the past that I have logged but could no longer recall.

Also during the Xmas break, there were 3 incidents from long time ago, that my friends have narrated that I could barely put a simulacrum that would give justice… The tutorial session in Visayas Ave. that Maritess was insisting; the drinking session in Night Brews where I got drunk and hyper as Jua and Noy were narrating; the horror room which we’ve put in the neighborhood as Jua was fondly reminiscing

It had been frustrating trying to squeeze my brain out for some memories, for some clues, for some remnant information that would validate my friends’ stories. But it had been a futile attempt. And it still is..

It was a bit unsettling because in my Pisay batch, I would be the one who would be able to recall the most significant bits ad pieces of our high school life.

I came to accept that maybe some events have been not that significant that my mind no longer holds it along with the emotions and feelings that went with it.

But then again maybe I have not worked hard enough to log the others that should have been significant.

For there are some memories that have long been kept in the deep recesses of the mind that spring back to life the moment an association is made…a haunting smell, a weird dream, a familiar face, a moving journal.

We are defined after all by the bits and pieces of the memories that we have.

Our significance, our identity, our existence rests in a way on those information. ( A Twilight Zone episode, The movies Total Recall and Dark City all come to mind)

And so I made a vow to write as much as I could of all the significant things of the past that I have not yet written.

Not for anyone else but for my older self who would someday be reading this to make a grasp of the past.

Wet Dreams May Come

A few nights ago in Hanoi Vietnam, I had a rather weird dream…

Well dreams mostly are weird, it lacks logic. Yet the weirdness of this one was not in the absurdity of its content but rather on its cohesiveness in the sense that the plot went on smoothly; every scene woven intricately to make a meaningful story. It was probably the reason I had a vivid recollection the morning after.

In my dream there was an inquiry on some unexplained absences in COE . Ms Manette was explaining to the investigators, the reason .

It started with a seemingly innocuous jar that looked like kimchi manufactured in Taiwan. Turns out the product had some weird ingredient that any girl who consumes a significant serving gets impregnated. The product was simply the tip of the iceberg. It was learned that there was a whole syndicate behind its mass production. The real intention was to harvest the babies and aborted fetuses from the customers, to be sold as delicacies.

Mommy Ellen accidentally discovered upon this information through an incompetent tele-marketer selling the product.

She shared the whole story to the COE team. The syndicate wanting to safeguard the information, placed the entire team on their hit list.

In order to protect the COE team after office hours, Ms Manette relocated the COE Team to Corregidor Island temporarily.

Ezra who just came from the island over the weekend shared the story to me discreetly.

I got paranoid because with the information, I would now also be in the hit list.

And then I woke up.

Ok don’t ask me for its meaning… I have no idea.

************

I guess dreams have fascinated me.

They fascinate me still, hence I have been keeping a dream journal since college.

I haven’t been really diligent in logging down entries these past few years. Had I been; I might have finished 2 notebooks already.

There are times that I get to have a glimpse of the future through my dreams… a premonition, if you will.

I foresaw a transfer of a colleague to Singapore.

I was warned by a betrayal of a friend through a dream.

Once in Mindanao I dreamt about a colleague I haven’t gotten in touch in a while. The following day he called me that he was in town.

Two weeks before the Tawi Tawi Solar Eclipse expedition was announced I dreamt being in the southernmost part of the Philippines.

Had some dejavus as well from my dreams… the bend in the house of Vince in Bulacan, a street corner in Anonas, the rooftop of Boys Residence Hall Annex with my roommates, the mini-waterfalls in Magdalena… these are some of the things I recall.

The romanticist in me would like to believe that yes, dreams are indeed a gateway to another dimension, a glimpse of things to come, a harbinger or maybe an omen.

On the other hand the skeptic in me would say that with millions of possible combinations surely something would come true…

The rationalist in me would say that dreams are nothing but the product of the brain making sense of random electrical pulses during filing of memories, thoughts and cognitions.

It could be those hidden hopes, repressed thoughts, filtered desires that seep out of the subconscious…( I have tried being the shrink and the patient with the help of the dream journal, but self-analysis can be pretty knotty and oftentimes deluding)

The realist in me would just go with what Isacc Newton has marvelously captured in his quote…that I am just a boy fascinated with the shore while the great of ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.

Dream on Jodl…

BONDing moment

Just watched the new Bond movie “ Quantum of Solace”.

Well… what could I say… whew it went beyond my expectations.

It’s the most adrenalin-pumping movie in the series yet, a pure rush right from the car chase in the opening scene.

But I won’t spoil the you with the other details.

You just have to watch it to enjoy the ride.

As I’ve mentioned in a blog 2 years back, watching a Bond movie has always been an intimate experience for me.. a communion of sorts.

http://jodl007.multiply.com/journal/item/5/Ramblings_of_a_Bond_Afficionado

This time around I had the pleasure of watching it with my youngest bro and youngest sis.

It’s probably the Bond fan in me that makes me remember the folks I was with when I watched the movie for the first time.

My dad, my unc, bro # 2 for The Spy Who Loved Me

My mom, bro #1 for For Your Eyes Only ( I remember this vividly because we had to cut classes haha)

Jazz Ramiro for GoldenEye

Ms Doctolero for The World Is Not Enough

Pazette and Darwin for Die Another Day ( the only Bond movie I watched outside the Philippines)( thanks for the poster Pazette, I still have it with me)

Person X for Casino Royale ( I was under the specific instruction not to reveal the name until maybe after 5 years for some funny but very valid reason)

Bro # 3, sis # 3 for Quantum of Solace

Guess I owe sis #1 and sis #2 a date when the next Bond movie comes out.

It’ll be a 2-year wait but I think it’ll be worth it.. Yeba !

Goodbye James...

The first time I saw the Tomorrow Never Dies poster in a decrepit hall of Ever Gotesco Kalookan, I just knew it was to die for. The following week I was scouring the streets of Manila in the dizzying heat looking for a video shop that by some stroke of luck would be selling that poster.

I had one eventually. Two long months after the Bond movie was shown.

When I came down to Mindanao for my 3-year sojourn, a roll of that “Tomorrow Never Dies” poster came along with my 20-kg baggage.

And ever since, in every chapter of my journey, that poster has always been with me, taped on the cold walls of my bedroom.

From the teachers’ cottage in Kalsangi to the engineer’s quarters in Cannery housing to the cramped bed space in lungga to the 4-th floor apartment in Sucat to the 2-bedroom unit in Antipolo and finally to my bungalow in Sucat.

It had always kept me company through the crests and troughs of my life. Somehow those piercing eyes of Pierce watched faithfully how I grappled with my daily mission. Sometimes a mission gets botched. Other times I save the day. And in all those it stood a silent witness, a loyal comrade.

As fate would have it…I once again had to leave my house in Sucat ….just when I was about to call it home.

When the packing was done I was amazed at how my 20-kg baggage has grown to gigantic proportions…tons of memories I have amassed over the years…

And my 10-yr old poster was still there.. torn and tattered through years of taping and re-taping.

When the time came for me to remove it from the wall, somehow it told me it finally wanted to stay.. Peeling it again would further aggravate whatever damage it has gone through all these years.. Maybe I have held on to it more than what was needed.

I wish I could still post it on my new bedroom. I wish it could be with me on my future missions.

But somehow those probing eyes of James Bond this time was giving me a new mission . …To finally let go.

The Climb (part 4)

Smacked in middle of the sparse vegetation is the base camp of Mt. Sembrano, complete with all its amenities - water source 5 minutes away, flat ground for the tent, and nearby thick bushes which would serve as nature’s comfort room.

(Warning. Mountain climbing is not for the squeamish or the weak-hearted. When push comes to shove, you would have to dig up a hole amidst the undergrowth to answer the call of nature. Pray that momma nature doesn’t give you the kind that could only be stopped by Immodium.)

We had our late lunch at the base camp – rice, luncheon meat and Lucky Me instant pansit canton cooked up by Jhoc and James.

It must be the dire need for energy source or the communion with nature or the scarcity of luxuries but out there, ordinary food tasted heavenly; trumping even those chef’s specialties in hotels. We wolfed the food in no time, though careful not to overconsume lest we receive a call from mother nature.

Feeling inutile, I volunteered to wash the utensils and the cook set afterwards. In climbing there is that tacit agreement of division of labor. You let others do the tasks in their field of expertise. Since am no expert in pitching tents or cooking rice or opening cans with a spoon, I took the most macho of all tasks – washing the dishes.

So there I was in the waterfalls of Sembrano busy scrubbing off the stubborn oils from the pans, contemplating upon my newfound competency. Jodl Gayatin EHS expert, and Six Sigma black belt, now also a certified mountain boy and dishwasher extraordinaire.

After what felt like a worthy break, we resumed our trek.

This was where my will got tested. Unlike the first part, the other half of the trail was now mostly assault - with inclines as steep as 45 degrees. In physics terms (here’s where the geeky part of me steps in), it was not only the X displacement that was tiring us. There was now the force along the Y, the eeeevil gravity that was taking the toll on our bodies. And with the heavy packs that we were lugging, every step was hell.

I was beginning to feel the tiredness and the pain. Every 5 minutes or so I would stop by to catch my breath. The memories of the sumptuous meal was fast slipping away.

I thought about my officemates and wondered how would they have handled the situation. Martin might have backed out because of his back problem. Lester might have surrendered with his dislocated shoulder. Gian… well he’s the metrosexual of the Big Brother facility, he would have opted to stay in the base camp near the water source.

(Another warning: Mountain climbing is not for the compulsively vain or the cultured metrosexual. Out there in the wild, you would have to live without the toners, the scrub, the facial cleanser and other stuff you get to see in those grooming kits. In some places where water is scarce you would have to forego bath for at least 24 hours.)

The thought of my officemates brought me a new surge of energy. I was still annoyed at them but now it was pride that got me marching on. I just had to find myself up there in the summit so I could narrate the details of my conquest come Monday and make them feel they had made the wrong decision.

Though tired I still took note of how my teammates were doing and they were consistent; Jhoc still the perky trailblazer, James still the Axe perspirant endorser and Win, still the huffing and puffing Michelin incarnate.

After about 1 or 2 hours in the woods (which seemed to last a lot longer) we hit the grassy area where the trail leveled off (yeba!!!!!).

Apparently my relief was short-lived because 10 minutes later we hit off another incline (aaarghh).

There is truth to the saying that the darkest part of the night happens before dawn. This is where the hardest part of the trail met us. The last leg. The hill before the summit. The final hurdle.

The hill was rather bare and we had to grapple on weeds to haul us up. Win was already tired and Jhoc, saviour as he was, slung on Win’s backpack. I tried to keep a good distance from Win as we maneuvered our way up and for a good reason.

The incline was so steep that any imbalance on his part could send him rolling down. I did not like the idea of a human avalanche hurtling toward me. If I were to appear in the news the day after, I would rather be found in the ravine from a fall than in the trail flattened by a human snowball.

Fortunately none of these grim scenarios happened.

And so it came, like any stories of human hardships, we finally hit the summit just in time to watch the magnificent sunset over Laguna de Bay.

This is the prize that every mountaineer seeks after long bouts of hardships. The view at the summit.

Most would dismiss it as something trivial. Perhaps foolish. For some not worth the trouble maybe.

But up there in the summit… there is that sound that only a mountaineer could hear.

I have heard it before in Matutum. I was hearing it again.

It is that sound of silence as one views the world from the top.

The sound when all the chaos of the world fades in the background and what remains is that deep silence that is moving .

The sound of the eternal.

The sound of the majestic.

And for that moment up there, the mountaineer and the mountain become one.

(fin)

The Climb part 3

The rendezvous was at our old office in Pasong Tamo.

We were supposed to conquer Makiling, but somehow we ended up with Sembrano, a minor mountain in the town of Pililia, Rizal.

James invited two non-officemates to join the climb: Jhoc and Win.

Jhoc had been James’ buddy in previous climbs. The first time I met Jhoc I knew he was a true blue mountaineer. There was something in the way he tied his shoelaces or the way he rolled the flysheet that exuded deft, discipline and bravado. He’s the kind of guy you don’t want to end up in a brawl but would be happy to have in your team.

Win, Jhoc’s cousin, by contrast was at the far end of the spectrum. I knew from the moment he boarded the taxi when we picked him up at the MRT that he was a neophyte. He wore a pair of slippers and lugged a highschool backpack, he might have thought we were in for an afternoon stroll. He bore an uncanny resemblance to a stalker I had in Mindanao so unconsciously I was a bit aloof to him.

In all honesty, I was a bit relieved to have Win with us. There was something intimidating about the way James and Jhoc held their mountain bags. They somehow exuded an air of seriousness about their craft, and I only tagging along for a taste of the mountain was obviously the weakest link.

Having Win with us gave me company in the amateur division, so to speak

We took a taxi to Edsa Central where we boarded on a cramped FX van to Tanay. We bought some stuff first in the market- rice, onion, cooking oil, Generoso brandy - before taking a jeepney to the jump off site.

We registered first at the town hall (which by the way is good practice, so they would have your contact numbers in the event of an emergency).

The trail started off on a slightly inclined road and we began the climb right about noon time. The midday heat was searing but the trees along the road, mostly mangoes, provided good shade.

I was a bit surprised on the level of energy I had that day. It was probably because there was still this remnant anger (for my other officemates abandoning me).

I was channeling it to the heavy and determined strides I made.

Every time we stopped to have a photo op, I made it a point to have my hatred documented. Discreetly, of course.

I would raise my hand then curl my middle finger inward. Fill in the blanks was the caption in my mind. ( It was my subtle way of saying f**k you to my office buddies, haha)

It was my first climb with a group ( I climbed my first mountain- Mt. Matutum, alone) and having folks to chat with somehow made the climb easy. (It was on this climb that I learned the nicknames Empoy and Longgoy)

As I predicted Jhoc was leading the pack. He was skipping from rock to rock like a creature in its own habitat, gung-ho and throwing caution to the wind; his nimbleness, jaw-dropping, his sense of balance, impeccable.

James was also a force to reckon with. He might be timid in the office, but out there in the fields, he strode commanding and formidable. He was by far carrying the heaviest load in the group, yet he barely sweated out, like he’s an endorser of Axe antiperspirant or something.

Win as I predicted was a mess. He was sweating profusely and his white shirt-oops wrong choice there- has turned into a rag of sweat, grime, and dirt. He looked worse than that guy in the Tide commercial dragged across the mud.

The ascent was rather easy and before we knew it we hit the base camp. Freshly picked coconuts at 10 PhP a pop were a welcome sight. I guzzled 2 nuts worth of juice in less than a minute. I was rather disappointed that the climb had been easy…

Little did I know we were only half way through and that the harder part of the trail was still up ahead.

Happy Birthday...

His appetite is mind-boggling, he could give Jughead a run for his money (or his hamburgers). He can wolf down two large servings of carbonara and still have room to spare for leche flan, chop suey and what have you. He is the human janitor fish of our office pantry, always to the rescue of damsels who could not finish their lunch. And despite the calorie intake, he does not get fat !!!

You might think he’s immature for all the stuff he’d think about is food.

His sense of humor is biting. He can deliver the funniest of punch lines straight-faced. Sometimes you’d wonder if he’s joking or serious.

His range of human expression is limited. He’s either stoic or not so stoic.

He is such a killjoy .You can never force him to sing even the ABC’s in a harmless game of truth or dare.

He is a man of few words; his responses are mostly short or monosyllabic or evasive.

His coping mechanism is maladaptive. He is so averse to goodbyes that when he left the company, he never informed anyone, not even his closest friends.

And for that we abhor him.

But despite his eccentricities and flaws, we miss this guy so much.

He has always been dependable, IT concerns or otherwise.

He has been the one person I have counted on when I was pissed or depressed or devastated or just when I felt like shouting my angst to the world– sober or otherwise.

He had been my anchor in a storm. Well sort of. Once on a stormy ride in Leyte, our boat almost got capsized. But having him by my side somehow doused my fears. I guess it will always be a poignant reminder of life’s journeys.

He has shown me the grandeur of nature and the immeasurable joys of conquering one’s self, of scaling heights, of defying the odds, of surpassing limitations.

And despite his impenetrable wall and his lack of words, he has taught me life’s great lessons through his actions- the immense power of belief in oneself, of fortitude amidst adversities, of never losing sight of one’s dreams, of being steadfast in deeply cherished values.

He has truly left a dent in me.

So let me take this opportunity to thank and greet this guy whom I owe a lot.

To Empoy… a great friend… a brother…. an idol.

Happy Happy Birthday.

The Climb (part 2)

The Climb part 2

This blog was started in 2007 and for some strange reason I was not able to finish it

My memory fails me now as I attempt to recall the first climb in 2007 that triggered some changes in me as a person… imperceptible yet meaningful.

However I felt compelled to finish this blog if only to put some sense of closure.

The journey started in our old cramped office in Pasong Tamo, the so-called Big Brother house, a conference room that had been converted into improvised workstations. It was in this room that four guys coexisted: Lester, Gian, Martin and me.

Lester, the self appointed Big Brother, toyed first with idea of a hike suggesting that the activity would help us maintain a healthy lifestyle (Lester was considerably gaining some weight, and the extra pounds were taking an extra toll on him)

So we contacted Jesse James our regular IT guy whose pictures from his mountain climbing escapades were gleefully spread all over his friendster photo album. A date was set , Mt. Makiling would be the place, and James would be our guide.

However as the date approached, one by one each resident begged off. (Somehow I was not surprised. The very same thing happened to my Dole Asia colleagues when we planned the Matutum climb)

I have lived on earth long enough to notice that gimmicks thought of on the spur of the moment have a greater chance of pushing through rather than the ones meticulously planned. You can get the affirmation when the plan is laid out but somehow when the day comes people just come up with excuses.

The GBS Mezzanine folks had a catchy term for this… “drawing”.

Needless to say with the other “drawing” residents out, the thought of going to the climb no longer seemed palatable.

However they haven’t factored out my stubborn nature. I guess it was something I learned from my dad. Once my heart is set unto something there would be no letting go unless absolutely necessary.

My fellow residents in a way have abandoned me and somehow I felt betrayed. But I had to stick to my word. I guess it was something I owed to myself.

That morning of May 5, 2007 the thought of going back to sleep and letting go of the foolish plan was very tempting. I could just cuddle underneath the warmth of my blanket and text James I couldn’t make it and come up with some valid excuse.

But there was a call that I had to respond. There was a promise I had to keep. There was something unexplainable that I had to prove.

And no lame excuse, no hurt feelings, no sense of abandonment, not even a body that refused to move, could stop me from conquering my damn mountain that day.

And so I clutched my mountain pack and did the most basic of all heroic acts. Show up.

(to be continued)

To all the folks I’ve worked with before..

There once was a dilapidated building, a stone throw away from the busy street of Pasong Tamo. It had stood there for 30 quiet years and stuck like a sore thumb amidst the newer structures that mushroomed through the years.

The place was a safety engineer’s nightmare. Fire exits in the wrong places, electric wires dangling from the ceiling, trip hazards from all corners.

I spent the first few months of my return to the company on this old building and God knows how I wanted to shun the place.

Last year the building finally had to be dismantled and our company sought a new home amidst the sprawling Bonifacio Global city.

My office now has a commanding view of the Taguig skyline.

The lobby is elegantly marbled, floors are carpeted, glass doors are machine-activated.

It was a dream come true.

But somehow despite the classy corporate feel, going to the office no longer feels as exciting.

And then like a jolt, I had a realization.

You know how it is in life. You go through the same routine thinking each day was the same as the last. What you don’t realize are the small unobtrusive changes that happen along the way.

Until one day you wake up and realize that things were no longer the same.

I miss my friends and co-workers. The ones who gave the human touch to my work.

I realized it was not the number of audits I’ve done, or the number of findings I’ve closed or the number the business metrics I’ve met that mattered (while they are important come evaluation time)

No, it was the human connection that made things memorable and meaningful.

Those small talks in the pantry. The asaran in the Big Brother house. The kulitans in the Same time.

They may not be work related. They may not contribute to my promotion. They may not add up to the bottom line. But these are the stuff that made the fabric of the memories of my stay with the company.

The stuff that made those stretched goals bearable.

I miss the times I had to trump Yuri’s hirits in ST.

Or the time Martin and I placed “Feel free to talk to me” as Gian’s wallpaper.

I miss making hirit to Kat, the fan club or to CheG the pres of the other fan club.

I miss eating Spanish Sardines on bread with Empoy in the pantry while watching the vacant lot beside our building.

They have long left the company and I surely miss them

And now with LesMatu, the other half of the CPSO dynamic duo, leaving, going to the office will never be the same again.

Taym Pers

Ang buhay daw ng tao ay parang gulong.

Minsan nasa itaas, minsan naman nasa ibaba.

Pero para sa akin flat tire ngayon

At mukhang matatagalan bago ako makabalik sa itaas.

Sabi nila wala raw problemang ibibigay sa iyo na di mo kayang lutasin.

Hmmm, devil’s advocate lang po…

E papano yung mga lumulukso sa tenth floor ng gusali?

o kaya’y umiinom ng sandamakmak na sleeping pills para tumakas sa problema?

Di ba nila nahanap ang solusyon?

Minsan naiisip ko.. Lord di kaya na-overestimate Mo yung capacity ko?

Pero syempre wala ka namang sagot na maririnig.

Dahil pag may narinig kang boses, malamang mental hospital na ang case mo.

Oo wala kang maririnig pero umaasa ka na lang na sana ang pagdurusa mo ay may kahulugan.

Kung meron man akong natutunan ngayon, eto ay yung pagiging sensitib..

huwaw …sensitib daw o…

Oo… dati pag me natatanggap akong text message mula sa kaibigan na

malala ang condisyon ng ermats nya… o kaya’y agaw –buhay ang erpats nya …automatic lang ang reply ko… I will include you in my prayers.

Pero ngayong nararanasan ko ang mga paghihirap na ito, ngayon ko na lang sila lubos naiintindihan. Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman ang mga hinagpis na kanilang dinaanan.

Madaling magsabing “Every darkest night has a dawning day”

o kaya’y “behind every cloud is a silver lining” at kung anu-anong motivational ek ek.

Pero pag pinagdadaanan mo ang pagsubok parang ang hirap sambitin ang mga phrases na ganito. Believe me.

Para mong pinipilit ang sarili mong mag smile kahit may punyal na nakatusok sa puso mo.

Pero sige lang. Kailangan e.

Susubukan.

Kakayanin.

Kung ang buhay ay isang stage performance, ito ay walang rehearsal. Walang take 2. Walang rewind. Tuloy tuloy lang.

Madulas ka man sa sahig. Magkamali ka man ng blocking, Makalimutan mo man ang iyong linya, the show must go on.

Kung ang buhay ay isang laro, wala itong taym pers. Walang break. Walang half time. Walang time out.

Ma technical foul ka man. Ma head butt. Ma knock out. Masipa sa betlogs. Sige lang tuloy pa rin ang game.

Hindi titigil ang mundo para sa iyo. Gabundok man ang iyong pasanin, sumambulat man ang kalooban mo sa hinagpis, lumawit man dila mo sa kapaguran, hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Ulit… Hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Oo mahirap man tanggapin pero talagang ganyan ang buhay.

Unfair na kung unfair.

Magmura ka na kung magmura.

Maghain ka na ng complaint ( pero kanino ? Kahit saan, wag lang sa senate blue ribbon dahil aabutin ka ng siyam siyam).

Magfile ka man ng motion for reconsideration.

Mag strike

Mag protesta

Sumigaw sa buong bundo.

You can damn it to your heart’s content

Pero ano pa nga bang mangyayari?

Sa banding huli ikaw lang ang talo.

So tuloy lang ang laban.

Huwag ka nang magreklamo

Huwag kang tumigil.

Huwag kang sumuko.

Dahil ang sinumang susuko sya ang talo.

Oo madaling sabihin

Mahirap gawin.

Pero kailangan.