Taym Pers

Ang buhay daw ng tao ay parang gulong.

Minsan nasa itaas, minsan naman nasa ibaba.

Pero para sa akin flat tire ngayon

At mukhang matatagalan bago ako makabalik sa itaas.

Sabi nila wala raw problemang ibibigay sa iyo na di mo kayang lutasin.

Hmmm, devil’s advocate lang po…

E papano yung mga lumulukso sa tenth floor ng gusali?

o kaya’y umiinom ng sandamakmak na sleeping pills para tumakas sa problema?

Di ba nila nahanap ang solusyon?

Minsan naiisip ko.. Lord di kaya na-overestimate Mo yung capacity ko?

Pero syempre wala ka namang sagot na maririnig.

Dahil pag may narinig kang boses, malamang mental hospital na ang case mo.

Oo wala kang maririnig pero umaasa ka na lang na sana ang pagdurusa mo ay may kahulugan.

Kung meron man akong natutunan ngayon, eto ay yung pagiging sensitib..

huwaw …sensitib daw o…

Oo… dati pag me natatanggap akong text message mula sa kaibigan na

malala ang condisyon ng ermats nya… o kaya’y agaw –buhay ang erpats nya …automatic lang ang reply ko… I will include you in my prayers.

Pero ngayong nararanasan ko ang mga paghihirap na ito, ngayon ko na lang sila lubos naiintindihan. Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman ang mga hinagpis na kanilang dinaanan.

Madaling magsabing “Every darkest night has a dawning day”

o kaya’y “behind every cloud is a silver lining” at kung anu-anong motivational ek ek.

Pero pag pinagdadaanan mo ang pagsubok parang ang hirap sambitin ang mga phrases na ganito. Believe me.

Para mong pinipilit ang sarili mong mag smile kahit may punyal na nakatusok sa puso mo.

Pero sige lang. Kailangan e.

Susubukan.

Kakayanin.

Kung ang buhay ay isang stage performance, ito ay walang rehearsal. Walang take 2. Walang rewind. Tuloy tuloy lang.

Madulas ka man sa sahig. Magkamali ka man ng blocking, Makalimutan mo man ang iyong linya, the show must go on.

Kung ang buhay ay isang laro, wala itong taym pers. Walang break. Walang half time. Walang time out.

Ma technical foul ka man. Ma head butt. Ma knock out. Masipa sa betlogs. Sige lang tuloy pa rin ang game.

Hindi titigil ang mundo para sa iyo. Gabundok man ang iyong pasanin, sumambulat man ang kalooban mo sa hinagpis, lumawit man dila mo sa kapaguran, hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Ulit… Hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Oo mahirap man tanggapin pero talagang ganyan ang buhay.

Unfair na kung unfair.

Magmura ka na kung magmura.

Maghain ka na ng complaint ( pero kanino ? Kahit saan, wag lang sa senate blue ribbon dahil aabutin ka ng siyam siyam).

Magfile ka man ng motion for reconsideration.

Mag strike

Mag protesta

Sumigaw sa buong bundo.

You can damn it to your heart’s content

Pero ano pa nga bang mangyayari?

Sa banding huli ikaw lang ang talo.

So tuloy lang ang laban.

Huwag ka nang magreklamo

Huwag kang tumigil.

Huwag kang sumuko.

Dahil ang sinumang susuko sya ang talo.

Oo madaling sabihin

Mahirap gawin.

Pero kailangan.

3 AM again

You wake up from your deep sleep. It’s that time of the night, long past midnight yet long before dawn. And suddenly you realize that the wonderful cruise you just took was all but a dream and the dead weight of reality slams before you.

You close your eyes hoping to return to wonderland but the pressing issues start to haunt you.

You recall about a year ago when you were in Boracay with your family, and how much fun you had back then and how you had wished life would be forever like that - all pretty and neat- and wonder how could a year ago be now so distant.

You think about the hardships that you had been through and realize how they all seemed paltry to the one you are going through now.

You think of your dad who though may have his flaws is still the person you’ve looked up to, now lying in the hospital helpless and inutile, not even having the strength to cleanse himself nor to eat and how you’ve wanted to partake in his pain yet you just stare there powerless.

You think of your mom and your siblings and how you wish you could alleviate their suffering and how you try your best to be their rock while deep inside you’re almost crumbling.

You think of your best friend, how he has been there in the good times yet not in the bad, and you feel betrayed and wonder why can someone you’ve trusted be insensitive.

You think of your good friends who now work outside the country. You recall the times they have stood by you in the past and how you wish they were still around and how much you miss them and long for their company.

You recall the time you sent a friend words of encouragement regarding his father and realize how naïve you were. You now fully comprehend the anguish he had felt back then, that beneath his replies that seemed controlled and carefully worded was a cry of pain he chose to hide. And now you give him much higher regard for making it through.

You plead with God and complain about your suffering yet you feel guilty and weak. You realize you are just a mere speck and your personal problems pale in comparison with the hardships of others. And then you wonder why people have to suffer and why happiness has to be relative.

You think of your funds and how you’re bleeding financially and how you would have to let go of some of your dreams and make some detours.

You think of the future and wonder where you’ll be in a year or two and you get scared.

You grapple with answers yet know there won’t be any.

You think of the role you have to play, of the mask you have to put, of the suffering you have to endure. And the mere thought is overwhelming.

But tonight alone in your room, you shed off the façade and become human. You clutch on the cold pillow and cry.

3 AM

It’s 3 in the morning and I just woke up.

Life has been hell lately and it’s only when I sleep that I get the peace I seek. But now even in my dreams, reality is rearing its ugly head.

And I wake up wondering how life can be so perfect one moment and utterly devastating the next.

I miss the times when my parents were my rock. When I could sleep under their blanket of comfort while storms were raging outside.

Yet I realize it is all but a distant past and clinging on to it won’t do any good and there is no choice but to move ahead.

And I wonder what odds were at play, for nature to reverse its laws.

I think about my dad lying in the hospital and wonder how a feisty and energetic person can now be helpless and crippled by stroke. And how a single event can turn our lives upside down

And try as I may I couldn’t comprehend why things have happened the way it did and how I would make it through this trial.

I long for the comforts of home and the company of dear old friends.

I think about the tears I have yet to cry. Of the words I have yet to utter.

And how tough it has been reassuring my loved ones that things would be fine while deep inside I am scared.

And how tormenting it is to exude a bit of stoicism while beneath the façade is a dull blade of pain that jags through the heart and hurts deep down

I am on the edge of a cliff grasping on courage, with the jaws of fear and uncertainty wide open below, and I’m using every bit of my strength to hold on.

I want to give up. I want to let go.

But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

And so I lie awake wondering what fate has in store for me.