3 AM again

You wake up from your deep sleep. It’s that time of the night, long past midnight yet long before dawn. And suddenly you realize that the wonderful cruise you just took was all but a dream and the dead weight of reality slams before you.

You close your eyes hoping to return to wonderland but the pressing issues start to haunt you.

You recall about a year ago when you were in Boracay with your family, and how much fun you had back then and how you had wished life would be forever like that - all pretty and neat- and wonder how could a year ago be now so distant.

You think about the hardships that you had been through and realize how they all seemed paltry to the one you are going through now.

You think of your dad who though may have his flaws is still the person you’ve looked up to, now lying in the hospital helpless and inutile, not even having the strength to cleanse himself nor to eat and how you’ve wanted to partake in his pain yet you just stare there powerless.

You think of your mom and your siblings and how you wish you could alleviate their suffering and how you try your best to be their rock while deep inside you’re almost crumbling.

You think of your best friend, how he has been there in the good times yet not in the bad, and you feel betrayed and wonder why can someone you’ve trusted be insensitive.

You think of your good friends who now work outside the country. You recall the times they have stood by you in the past and how you wish they were still around and how much you miss them and long for their company.

You recall the time you sent a friend words of encouragement regarding his father and realize how naïve you were. You now fully comprehend the anguish he had felt back then, that beneath his replies that seemed controlled and carefully worded was a cry of pain he chose to hide. And now you give him much higher regard for making it through.

You plead with God and complain about your suffering yet you feel guilty and weak. You realize you are just a mere speck and your personal problems pale in comparison with the hardships of others. And then you wonder why people have to suffer and why happiness has to be relative.

You think of your funds and how you’re bleeding financially and how you would have to let go of some of your dreams and make some detours.

You think of the future and wonder where you’ll be in a year or two and you get scared.

You grapple with answers yet know there won’t be any.

You think of the role you have to play, of the mask you have to put, of the suffering you have to endure. And the mere thought is overwhelming.

But tonight alone in your room, you shed off the façade and become human. You clutch on the cold pillow and cry.