Taym Pers

Ang buhay daw ng tao ay parang gulong.

Minsan nasa itaas, minsan naman nasa ibaba.

Pero para sa akin flat tire ngayon

At mukhang matatagalan bago ako makabalik sa itaas.

Sabi nila wala raw problemang ibibigay sa iyo na di mo kayang lutasin.

Hmmm, devil’s advocate lang po…

E papano yung mga lumulukso sa tenth floor ng gusali?

o kaya’y umiinom ng sandamakmak na sleeping pills para tumakas sa problema?

Di ba nila nahanap ang solusyon?

Minsan naiisip ko.. Lord di kaya na-overestimate Mo yung capacity ko?

Pero syempre wala ka namang sagot na maririnig.

Dahil pag may narinig kang boses, malamang mental hospital na ang case mo.

Oo wala kang maririnig pero umaasa ka na lang na sana ang pagdurusa mo ay may kahulugan.

Kung meron man akong natutunan ngayon, eto ay yung pagiging sensitib..

huwaw …sensitib daw o…

Oo… dati pag me natatanggap akong text message mula sa kaibigan na

malala ang condisyon ng ermats nya… o kaya’y agaw –buhay ang erpats nya …automatic lang ang reply ko… I will include you in my prayers.

Pero ngayong nararanasan ko ang mga paghihirap na ito, ngayon ko na lang sila lubos naiintindihan. Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman ang mga hinagpis na kanilang dinaanan.

Madaling magsabing “Every darkest night has a dawning day”

o kaya’y “behind every cloud is a silver lining” at kung anu-anong motivational ek ek.

Pero pag pinagdadaanan mo ang pagsubok parang ang hirap sambitin ang mga phrases na ganito. Believe me.

Para mong pinipilit ang sarili mong mag smile kahit may punyal na nakatusok sa puso mo.

Pero sige lang. Kailangan e.

Susubukan.

Kakayanin.

Kung ang buhay ay isang stage performance, ito ay walang rehearsal. Walang take 2. Walang rewind. Tuloy tuloy lang.

Madulas ka man sa sahig. Magkamali ka man ng blocking, Makalimutan mo man ang iyong linya, the show must go on.

Kung ang buhay ay isang laro, wala itong taym pers. Walang break. Walang half time. Walang time out.

Ma technical foul ka man. Ma head butt. Ma knock out. Masipa sa betlogs. Sige lang tuloy pa rin ang game.

Hindi titigil ang mundo para sa iyo. Gabundok man ang iyong pasanin, sumambulat man ang kalooban mo sa hinagpis, lumawit man dila mo sa kapaguran, hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Ulit… Hindi ito titigil para sa iyo.

Oo mahirap man tanggapin pero talagang ganyan ang buhay.

Unfair na kung unfair.

Magmura ka na kung magmura.

Maghain ka na ng complaint ( pero kanino ? Kahit saan, wag lang sa senate blue ribbon dahil aabutin ka ng siyam siyam).

Magfile ka man ng motion for reconsideration.

Mag strike

Mag protesta

Sumigaw sa buong bundo.

You can damn it to your heart’s content

Pero ano pa nga bang mangyayari?

Sa banding huli ikaw lang ang talo.

So tuloy lang ang laban.

Huwag ka nang magreklamo

Huwag kang tumigil.

Huwag kang sumuko.

Dahil ang sinumang susuko sya ang talo.

Oo madaling sabihin

Mahirap gawin.

Pero kailangan.

3 AM again

You wake up from your deep sleep. It’s that time of the night, long past midnight yet long before dawn. And suddenly you realize that the wonderful cruise you just took was all but a dream and the dead weight of reality slams before you.

You close your eyes hoping to return to wonderland but the pressing issues start to haunt you.

You recall about a year ago when you were in Boracay with your family, and how much fun you had back then and how you had wished life would be forever like that - all pretty and neat- and wonder how could a year ago be now so distant.

You think about the hardships that you had been through and realize how they all seemed paltry to the one you are going through now.

You think of your dad who though may have his flaws is still the person you’ve looked up to, now lying in the hospital helpless and inutile, not even having the strength to cleanse himself nor to eat and how you’ve wanted to partake in his pain yet you just stare there powerless.

You think of your mom and your siblings and how you wish you could alleviate their suffering and how you try your best to be their rock while deep inside you’re almost crumbling.

You think of your best friend, how he has been there in the good times yet not in the bad, and you feel betrayed and wonder why can someone you’ve trusted be insensitive.

You think of your good friends who now work outside the country. You recall the times they have stood by you in the past and how you wish they were still around and how much you miss them and long for their company.

You recall the time you sent a friend words of encouragement regarding his father and realize how naïve you were. You now fully comprehend the anguish he had felt back then, that beneath his replies that seemed controlled and carefully worded was a cry of pain he chose to hide. And now you give him much higher regard for making it through.

You plead with God and complain about your suffering yet you feel guilty and weak. You realize you are just a mere speck and your personal problems pale in comparison with the hardships of others. And then you wonder why people have to suffer and why happiness has to be relative.

You think of your funds and how you’re bleeding financially and how you would have to let go of some of your dreams and make some detours.

You think of the future and wonder where you’ll be in a year or two and you get scared.

You grapple with answers yet know there won’t be any.

You think of the role you have to play, of the mask you have to put, of the suffering you have to endure. And the mere thought is overwhelming.

But tonight alone in your room, you shed off the façade and become human. You clutch on the cold pillow and cry.

3 AM

It’s 3 in the morning and I just woke up.

Life has been hell lately and it’s only when I sleep that I get the peace I seek. But now even in my dreams, reality is rearing its ugly head.

And I wake up wondering how life can be so perfect one moment and utterly devastating the next.

I miss the times when my parents were my rock. When I could sleep under their blanket of comfort while storms were raging outside.

Yet I realize it is all but a distant past and clinging on to it won’t do any good and there is no choice but to move ahead.

And I wonder what odds were at play, for nature to reverse its laws.

I think about my dad lying in the hospital and wonder how a feisty and energetic person can now be helpless and crippled by stroke. And how a single event can turn our lives upside down

And try as I may I couldn’t comprehend why things have happened the way it did and how I would make it through this trial.

I long for the comforts of home and the company of dear old friends.

I think about the tears I have yet to cry. Of the words I have yet to utter.

And how tough it has been reassuring my loved ones that things would be fine while deep inside I am scared.

And how tormenting it is to exude a bit of stoicism while beneath the façade is a dull blade of pain that jags through the heart and hurts deep down

I am on the edge of a cliff grasping on courage, with the jaws of fear and uncertainty wide open below, and I’m using every bit of my strength to hold on.

I want to give up. I want to let go.

But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

And so I lie awake wondering what fate has in store for me.

Let it Snow

Let it Snow

I have taken it for granted.

All the while it was just a cognitive appreciation…I thought that snow was just like the stuff that comes out of the freezer. Cold to touch, water molecules turned to solid state, devoid of its fluid properties otherwise nothing much fancy.

But having the firsthand experience to form a snow ball on my hands, teeter unto the slushy surface of sheer whiteness, feel the flakes caress my face, taste the blast of subzero flurry brought back a childlike fascination in me… it was an experience I have never expected.

It is one thing to imagine snow; it is totally different when you’re actually basking in it. No words could capture the sensation. No description could give justice to the overwhelming feeling.

It is like being a child playing his toy for the very first time.

Suddenly all my childhood fascination rushed back… all those questions that lingered back then suddenly had an answer… and what a resounding reply it was.

The memories of wondering of a boy from the tropics came flooding back… the scene in the Avalanche express, the first few pages of Cat in the Hat, a Murder scene in a Agatha Christie’s novel, the Sesame Street swap, the Ski chase of James Bond in For Your Eyes Only, the rampaging icy blocks of Mt Everest in IMAX, the meaning of White Christmas ….

So at long last this is what snow is all about…So amazing.. So chilling…So awesome

And I thank you Ne and Jeff for that unforgettable experience..

Happy Birthday... A tribute

Happy Birthday

(This should have been posted last Jan 31 but better late than never)

There are a few guys whom you could publicly claim you really love- like Manny Pacquiao or James Bond.

I love this guy.

He is the epitome of anti-cool. A bespectacled nerdy type who talks about boring and sometimes awkward stuff. Stuff you don’t normally tackle in a light conversation lest you be ostracized or branded as weird.

Hanging out with him may plunge your coolness factor to abysmal depths – you gotta face it… this is a superficial world where folks simply judge your coolness by the friends you hang out with

He has a fashion statement of a geek

He can be a slob and the way he tends to forget his stuff – from umbrellas to contact lens- is totally pathetic.

But despite all of these flaws I owe this guy a lot… and when I say a lot …I truly mean it.

He’s the one person who has truly influenced me about the way I see the world.

His steadfast faith is admirable. His childlike innocence about all things cynical and carnal is exceptional. His passion to make a difference is amazing.

His loyalty is unwavering. Once as head of a college organization, when almost all my staff abandoned me, he stood by my side. “ Jods, I will support you all the way.”

His words still ring in my ears, I doubt if not for his words of encouragement, I would have survived the ordeal.

I sometimes feel guilty. In my front of my other friends- the so-called cool ones- I would cajole him for his outdated beliefs. I would make fun of his principles and the things he stand for.

But my frivolity belies it all, for while I make fun of him, I silently and fervently pray that he would win.

For while the world is tough on guys like him, we are truly indebted to them.

He is a bastion of idealism, a source of my strength. In this world that has gone aberrant and compromising, it pays to know that there are still persons like him.

And am very blessed to have him as a friend.

To a very great buddy, an idol, an inspiration, a man of our times… Anton Overio…

Happy Birthday… at Maraming maraming salamat !

Year 2007

Dec 31, 2007

Clutching a cold San Mig Light on one hand I watched, as the sun dipped on the horizon. And so 2007 came to a close. Well almost.

Sunsets especially the ones on the beaches of San Jose have always been a religious experience for me. There is an overwhelming calming of the senses as one marvels at the sun- slowly yet inevitably touching the ocean. It is somewhat a satisfying closure- and a stark contrast - to a whirlwind day.

For this day however, it seemed an apt closure for a year that has been.

Watching sunset on the last day of the year was a ritual I have started back in 1999. During those days, rumors of the end of the world abound, it seemed satisfying an idea to appreciate life’s everyday miracles if these were the last reminders of one’s stay on earth.

But 2000 came and the world, surprisingly, still rotated on its axis. Images of the winged creatures ablaze storming on the night sky, announcing Judgment Day never materialized. On hindsight, doomsday happening on the stroke of midnight seemed rather foolish because not all parts of the world reach midnight simultaneously. It will therefore be a series of pathetic and impotent “gotchas!” - not the cataclysmic big bang, fireballs, explosions and all, the way doomsayers have conjured it to be. No, THE END has to be more enthralling and climactic than this.

Which was rather fortunate. It meant 8 more sunsets on the last day of the year to behold. And counting.

And so there I was, Dec 31, 2007 contemplating on the year that has been, on the beaches of my childhood.

It has been a dramatic year, one that has caught me by surprise, like being snagged in a roller coaster, swirled in dizzying rounds and hurled backed to the ground before anything else made sense.

It has been a year of firsts. It was my first time to set foot on London, embrace its cranky weather and understand why Englishmen kept breaking the ice by asking ” How’s the weather there?”.

It was my first time to surf…..to teeter on the board and brave the harsh midday heat and the fury of waves if only to experience the elusive stoke.

It was my first time to visit the provinces of Biliran and Leyte. Now those would be two provinces off my list… About 30 more to go…

It has been a year of travels. New York, San Francisco, London, Singapore, Jakarta Kuala Lumpur. Expanding my role to cover SEA regions has opened a delightful world of possibilities.

It has been a year of adventure. My life has never been the same after meeting Empoy and Longgoy, two true blue mountaineers. I slid off the grassy paths of Sembrano, grappled with the menacing boulders of Batulao, clambered through the crevices of Pico de Loro, stared at the jaws of death of Tres Marias, all for the pursuit of whatever is up there on the summit.

It has been a year of excitement. Sat beside Jeff Immelt, our big big boss, in an award dinner for volunteers. Only 0.5% would ever have that chance to sit beside the most important person in the company, much less engage in a conversation for 3 hours.

It has been a year of surprises. A close friend came out of the closet. A rather funny and surreal experience; I almost choked on my food when she made the revelation. I thought I was in “Bitoy’s Yari ka video segment” but no punchline ever came. It took about fifteen minutes after the jolt, before my brain could process normally again.

It has been a year of reconnection. Had the chance to catch up with Steph and Anton, two of the people who’ve made an impact on my life. I had the chance to hear my alter ego in one drinking session. The drunk indeed speaks the longings of the sober heart. I am now back pursuing my masters in Psychology

It has been a year of farewells… We left our old site in Pasong Tamo, which has been home for some for 30 years. Some good old friends left the company presumably to search for greener pastures. Some colleagues from another site were retrenched as a painful decision to keep the business thriving. Funny how you only realize the importance of people when they’re no longer around.

It has been a year of fun and fascination, of trials and tribulations, of losses and triumphs, of beginnings and endings.

It will be another year that I would look back with much fondness and longing many years from now.

A year that I have just relived for one last time as I look at its last sunset.

The Climb

The Climb…

I first saw the looming figure of Mt. Matutum on my first visit to Dole Philippines School. As the shuttle snaked through the pineapple fields, I marveled at the majestic dormant volcano. The behemoth stood there with an overwhelming presence as if with probing eyes, taunting me, breathing down on my spine, beckoning me to conquer it.

It had stood there almighty through the ages mocking at puny mortals that stood before its presence. The mountain stirred something primal in me. An inner animal was awakened and despite ages and ages of evolution, the potency of the urge was undeniable, so raw, so instinctive. Nature was calling on to me and I had to respond to the call.

And so I made a pact to myself - I had to reach the peak of Matutum before my sojourn in Mindanao was over.

It was beyond rationality that I did the climb alone. Only the experienced or the suicidal would have done that. Looking back maybe I had been a bit naïve not to have foreseen the torture that was lying ahead. Had I gotten a glimpse of the pain that I had to endure I might have had reconsidered.

It didn’t start out as like that. My fellow project engineers at Dole Asia had an agreement that we were to climb Mt. Matutum together.

But I knew human nature too well. Oh yes. Something always comes up at the last minute. One by one, my colleagues came up with excuses why they couldn’t make it – some were pretty lame actually. Even Jessve, my best bud at that time, who had had been roaring to go, had to work overtime at the last minute.

And so in the end, it was a tough choice of canceling the climb altogether or me braving the mountain alone.

But I had a pact with myself. And it was a pact that I had to keep, no matter what.

As fate would have it, I conquered Mt. Matutum – my first mountain- on a Good Friday. It also fell on a Friday the 13th. Superstitiously, the attempt was unthinkable. God was dead at that time (from the words of the elders), not to mention the unlucky Friday the13th.

But luck had nothing to do with it.

It was by sheer force of will that I made it through. True, there were times along the path that I was almost tempted to give up. It was a long, arduous 9 hour-hike, that seemed like an eternity. Legs buckling from the weight of my pack, lungs screaming for air, body begging for water; the climb was all about pain.

But when I reached the summit an incredible sense of euphoria wrapped my whole being. No words could aptly describe the happiness, that I felt. All the sufferings that I went through were worth it. It was as if my heart would burst for joy. I felt one with Nature and for that brief moment, time stood still and I was on top of the world.

It has been six years since I conquered Mt. Matutum yet I could still feel the sense of achievement as if it only happened yesterday.

Which was why when Jesse James invited me to climb Mt. Sembrano…I knew that Nature was calling on me once again.

The call was blaring, so compelling and relentless. I just knew I had to respond to the call…(to be continued)

Tour of Panay Part Six

It was a blessing in disguise that my butt was getting numb. At least it was distracting my mind that something horrible was going on in my alimentary canal. The distraction has done the trick because miraculously we were able to reach Kalibo without me dislodging a gruesome concoction of biological warfare.

Despite the stomach upset I still managed to appreciate the plaza of Kalibo. It had a huge resemblance to Baliwag, Bulacan - the way the church, the town hall, and the Jollibee store are intimately huddled around the plaza. We went to Jollibee thinking it had the prime seat in town, but a quick trip to the washroom revealed a rather jaw-dropping display of humungous IFO’s - “Identified Floating Objects” in its lone toilet. Good thing my intestines still had some class- they refused to budge, obviously horrified at the dismal sight.

Notwithstanding what I just saw, I was still able to eat. I only ate light. I did not want to exacerbate my digestive organs. I totally lost my appetite when I noticed the striking similarity of the hues of Jolly Cheezy Fries and the IFOs. Bon Appettit !

Libong suggested that we proceed to the bishop’s house which was also in front of the plaza. Bishop Romy Lazo, the current bishop of Aklan used to be our parish priest in San Jose. He was a ninong on Libong’s wedding and our kuya’s playmate in tennis. Unfortunately Bishop Romy was in another town that day and there seemed to be no one inside the bishop house.

My bro prodded me to try the toilet at the gasoline station instead. From previous experience I knew that gasoline toilets would be far much worse. I assured him I could still manage it and then gulped down another tablet of Immodium.

He advised me to buy adult diapers just in case my “baggage” becomes unbearable along the way. I thought he was joking. He was dead serious. He warned me that the rest of the way would be mostly boondocks.

I assured him that in case things start to get out of control I would put to test my interpersonal relationship skills. This would mean randomly selecting a decent household and warning them that all hell will break loose if they don’t allow me to use their CR.

At times like these I get to fully comprehend Khalid’s eternal dilemma. Khalid used to be my housemate in Krus na Ligas. He arguably has the appetite of a velociraptor but his stomach is belligerent. In almost all the gimmicks of the KnL gang, Khalid would always have an intimate session in the washroom after every meal. It came to a point that folks called him Mr. Tae – Ang taong kumakain para tumae, at tumatae para kumain. ( Hi Khalid!!! Hehehe)

As Dennis would jokingly say, Khalid’s life cycle is about eating and defecating.

But my life cycle is about adventure. I have a tour to finish. And no uncooperative what-the-f*%k-is-wrong-with-you-why-are-you-doing-this-to-me-now stomach is going to stop me from finishing it.

Tour of Panay Part Cinq

Boracay didn’t disappoint me. I just stood in awe at the white sand that seemed to stretch endlessly. It was truly a spectacle to behold and the next thing I knew I was lying down on the sand feeling being one with nature.

But the island was so touristy. Lots of people were walking by and somehow it spoiled my commune with nature. I’m a people person but there are times when I wish I were just alone to contemplate in silence. The beach and the flock of people somehow just didn’t jibe together.

I had a good time contemplating. At those precious moments of silence I feel that the past and the future melt away and the only thing that mattered was being.

My still-elusive dream of building a house beside the sea came back to haunt me. I felt sad that for the past few years I have deviated from my long-term goal. Maybe I got so myopic and became part of the rat race in the metropolis. Sigh..

I never really had the chance to enjoy the night on the island as my tummy ached. Good thing my bro brought loperamide tablets. I would have wanted to check out the best shakes that Aimee recommended or pass by Cocomanga’s with famed row of drinks good to make the next 3 days of your life hell as my sensei claimed. Instead I spent the night lying on the bed with frequent trips to the CR.

We left the island around 9 am. I felt that one night in Boracay was too short (and too lousy considering the stomach upset) but in my mind I knew I would surely get back again.

As the boat was leaving the Boracay port I received a call from Lester. We discussed mostly work but I took time to gush in the highlights of the tour so far. It felt surreal hearing his voice on the other end. Manila which has somehow faded in the deep recesses of my mind suddenly jutted unto my consciousness. I once again had to grapple with the coexistence of two contrasting worlds.

We went on our way. Dark swirls of clouds gathered from the distance and the seas were rough, we barely had time to pause and take good shots. We had to stop twice because of the downpour.

One of my biggest regret was not being able to get a picture of a creepy house somewhere between Tangalan and Makato. The house loomed ominously amidst gnarly acacia trees. Defiant, it had withstood the wrath of time. Even from a distance I felt a chilly presence that lurked behind its grey walls.

If I were a horror movie writer I would explore the plot of motorcycle riders forced to set camp in an abandoned town without electricity. Unbeknownst to them the place is aswang-infested. And the action would happen at nighttime. There will be chase scenes ala-Blair witch project on a motorcycle. One by one the travelers would meet their doom as they fight to stay alive until daylight. Of course the protagonists would have to make it. That would be me and my bro. And the shooting location would be the house I just saw.

However at that time, a different horror story was unfolding. It involved my stomach and two tablets of Immodium I took that morning. The rumbling I heard inside indicated that the tablets might not have been effective at all. We had to reach Kalibo fast. Or else….

Tour of panay

The year was 1995. My college bud Anton and I were planning for one great adventure. It would have been Tawi Tawi but he missed the Solar Eclipse Expedition.
We knew life isn’t going to be as exciting after college. Job. Marriage. Kids. Saving the world.
So we planned for one big high before we finally take on bigger responsibilities.

In college, you have the time and the energy but you don’t have the money. So gradually we came up with a grand plan that in 10 years time once we set aside a considerable amount of money we were to take 2 weeks off from our jobs and take a tour of Panay by foot. It seemed to make sense. We were both from Panay Island, I from Antique, He from Iloilo.

Who were we to claim we have conquered the world when we haven’t claimed our own backyard?

The plan was simple. Tour Panay Island by foot. We would walk along the shores and set camp along the beach. The entire island in 2 weeks. Our last hurrah.

Simple yet brilliant. It all seemed fascinating and achievable back then…

Fast forward to 2006. After I went to Mindanao, Anton and I lived on different planets. We would occasionally meet and catch up when I pass by Manila or when I pass by Iloilo
Anton and I have long abandoned the idea. (More like, we have totally forgotten about the said plan). Looking back, it now seemed pretty foolish. Two weeks off the job? That would have been asking for the moon.
But last April when my brother Orville proposed the idea of a tour of Panay by motorcycle, the boy in me couldn’t resist the idea of one great adventure. It was like getting in touch once again with the idealist in me.
So on the morning of December 27, the 2-day tour of the island began… (to be continued)
(Tonio, lam kong mababasa mo tong blog… Di man natupad yung great plan natin noon, this I think is a worthy replacement, don’t you think? Pagbalik mo galing Tate someday, bili ka kotse and we'll tour Panay...Yeba !)